Finding Light in the Dark of Chronic Illness

It has been only four months since my last post, but in some ways it feels I’ve lived half a lifetime since then. Winter, or what passes for winter in mild southern California, has fully given way to spring. The finches at our backyard feeder are in full breeding pluming with vibrant red breasts and their mating songs are a welcome addition to the mostly mechanical sounds of the neighborhood. Mourning cloak and monarch butterflies are so abundant that one could (and sometimes I do) spend an entire afternoon watching them dance in the gentle breeze, occasionally landing on a milkweed leaf or a palm frond or even finding a partner or two to pirouette with.

As for me, I have been working very hard to steer my own winter towards spring. Unfortunately, my migraines have progressed from chronic migraine (15 or more migraine attacks a month) to chronic daily migraine. In essence, I no longer go through the four phases of a migraine attack, and  I have symptoms of a migraine at all times, including but not limited to: light and sound sensitivity, head pain, fatigue, body aches, nausea, chills, neck pain, irritability, alloydnia (skin painful to the touch), vertigo, and tinnitus. Some days or parts of days are better than others, but I haven’t had  completely migraine free days yet. I include my individual symptoms not in an attempt to garner sympathy, but as a gentle reminder to any of my readers lucky enough not to experience migraines themselves that they are so much more than just a headache!

Anticonvonsulants for Migraine Prevention and Their Pesky Side Effects

Because of my worsening migraines, I decided to drop out of the clinical trial that I was enrolled in so that I could fully focus on getting my migraines under control and take the preventative medications that conflicted with the trial. Unfortunately, the headache specialist at UCLA Neurology Clinic whom I trusted and had been working with for the past 18 months took another job and left the hospital right around the same time that my health got worse. She prescribed me a large dose of Depakote, an anticonvulsant that is used to treat both migraines and central nervous system sensitivity and is one of the few I had not previously tried, before she left. She warned me about hair loss and weight gain, but luckily I did not experience either.

I did, however, experience some pretty severe brain fog and tremors when I was later prescribed a second anticonvulsant, Topiramate (or Topamax), by my new headache doctor. Almost every chronic migraine sufferer is familiar with Topamax, as it is one of the most effective and commonly prescribed migraine preventative medications. The brain fog associated with it, however, can be so horrible that it is un-lovingly referred to in the migraine community as Dopomax. The side effects of the two anti-seizure meds on top of the daily migraines added up to an utterly miserable mess of me.

Propofol and Occipital Nerve Blocks for Refractory Migraine

By the time I met with my new neurologist I had been in bed for three months, had lost ten pounds, and was ready to try more aggressive treatment. She rcommended we try an outpatient procedure during which I would be anesthetized with propofol. While knocked out I would also receive  nerve blocks to treat the damaged occipital nerves that begin at the base of the skull, wrap around the head and end at the eyes and may be causing some of my pain.

Studies have shown that propofol infusions can help some patients with migraines that do not respond to treatment, but I, sadly, was not one of those patients. The staff at the surgery center was so wonderfully kind to me, and my insomnia leading up to the procedure was so terrible that I think it was worth it just for the experience of a deep drug-induced sleep. Although, I could have done without the bill.

“Your struggle is your strength. If you can resist becoming negative, bitter or hopeless, in time, your struggles will give you everything.”

-Bryant McGill

DHE Injections

Our next try was an injection of DHE, a drug commonly used to abort migraines. Administered via injection or IV in a doctor’s office it has a high success rate at stopping ongoing migraines, particularly in people with episodic migraines. It was not my silver bullet, to neither mine nor my doctor’s surprise. At that point my migraine had been daily for five months, and I no longer expected to wake up in the morning without a migraine.

The real MVP in the DHE trial was my beautiful little sister who took me to the appointment and managed to comfort me with one hand while I car vomited and change lanes with the other on the 405 freeway at 70 miles per hour. Without her strength and empathy the miserable experience would have been much more miserable.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy & Looking Forward

I am primarily housebound, as there are not too many places one can go when one’s symptoms are exacerbated by light, sound, and movement. I am working with a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist who deals exclusively with the elderly or the ill and we are constantly looking for new ways to adapt my skin and mind to my surroundings, so I can experience as much life as possible even with a migraine. Steadily and slowly I’m learning mindfulness, gratitude, gentleness, and pacing. It is a physically and emotionally trying journey and I sometimes leave her office overwhelmed with even more tips and suggestions of things I “should” be doing. Even so, I am working very hard and I have already seen quite a bit of progress on this road I am traveling that will hopefully lead me  to remission or acceptance. But that is for another post.

I am slowly titrating off of the anticonvulsants that did not bring me relief under the guidance of my doctor and am so grateful to bid adieu to the tremors and the worse of the brain fog. I have implemented dozens of small lifestyle and supplement changes, which I plan to write more about in my upcoming posts if my head allows.  Until then, I am focused on listening to my body, practicing healthy habits, educating myself as much as possible about my disease, and trying to suck as much joy as possible out of this beautiful and only life I have been given.